The Pig Detector

PIG

Tell me, dear reader: do you know how often the humble pig is depicted in popular culture?

I do.

Can you say with certainty that you will detect any such depictions whenever and wherever they cross your path?

I can.

Now, you maybe saying to yourself, that seems unlikely.

Our modern world is crammed full of competing stimulus, bursting at the seams with colours and sounds and live broadcasts and brand messages and 24/7 information feeds.

How could a mere man be certain, were he even to want such certainty, that no porcine reference would elude him?

The answer is simple. I have acquired a Pig Detector. An infallible Pig Detector.

The process of detection

As a user of the Pig Detector (AKA my son, David) my experience could not be simpler. I need only to carry him with me, occasionally pausing to perform simple maintenance work such as producing food, diluted fruit juice and fresh nappies. His hyper-sensitive pig-detection algorithms will do the rest.

A typical detection event will run as follows:

  1. Carry David into a new area, such as a room of the house, street, retail location, visitor attraction, etc.
  2. Hear David emit his signature Pig noise.
  3. Cease all activity.
  4. Patiently scan the entire area for the Pig image you know is present.
  5. Eventually find the image. Point at it.
  6. Hear David emit his signature Pig noise.
  7. DETECTION COMPLETE.

You want proof?

My son can detect a Pig anywhere, no matter how obscure the depiction appears by comparison to a real pig. If this sounds like hubris, allow me to present the evidence.

Name: Piglet

Location: Retail display, Mothercare

Piglet

Status: DETECTED

Name: Peppa, George and Daddy Pig

Location: Casually lying on top of a fixture, Morrisons

Peppa and family

Status: DETECTED

Name: Digby Pig

Location: Inside David’s buggy

Digby Pig

Status: DETECTED

The Gameplan

Leveraging this remarkable ability might be somewhat challenging – it is, after all, a pretty niche specialization – but I’m optimistic that we can find a way. As the continued success of supercar sales during the world economic downturn has proved, people are always willing to pay for quality.

Alternatively, it proves that rich people simply have more money than sense, but if anything that bodes well for the launch of commercial Pig detection.

I’m currently still at the information-gathering stage, by which I mean I’m hanging around in public places such as cafes, restaurants and soft-play venues, hoping to overhear conversations which contain key phrases like: “…if only I could track down that damned PIG!”

Over to you, pig-seekers

In 2011, a crack Pig Detection professional was sent to Broxburn, West Lothian, with his parents, purely because they lived there.

This individual promptly escaped the traditional, stereotyped lifestyle of a toddler, into the underground pursuit of swine-tracking. Today, still supported by his parents, he survives as an elite hog-locator.

If you have a problem (related to missing or hidden pigs), if no one else can help, and if you can find him….maybe you can hire… The Pig Detector.

2 thoughts on “The Pig Detector

  1. I’ve found your niche market here in the UAE sir, more money than sense and as all pork products are outlawed (and to my surprise, even all references to pork in cooking shows are censored), your little man could strike it rich by working for customs teams at the airport for example..

    Awesome writing oncevagain my friend, left me laughing with that last reference 😉

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